Holiday Safe Cooking Tips For Guys

Without a doubt, one of the most misquoted bits of advice in Western society is “The way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach.” This phrase has been so frequently misquoted that you’re probably more familiar with its tangled version about the stomach being a way to a man’s heart.

Actually, the truth about a woman’s stomach being the most efficient path to a her heart is so powerful that it has been intentionally distorted as a protective measure by women. This is so that men would not take undue advantage of the power of cooking for romance.

This power is nowhere more convincingly illustrated by the fact that after decades, my wife is still with me – solely because I feed her eggs every morning for breakfast. The occasional occurrence of egg shells I’ve left in her food prove it.

Imagine sitting down for a cozy breakfast with your life’s partner with a pleasant conversation beginning about the coming day’s tasks. As you both sip coffee together and eat your eggs, you’re in the midst of explaining another one of your harebrained schemes of how you’re going to make your office more efficient and save them thousands of dollars and how they’ll finally come to their senses and promote you to CEO for your brilliance.

Suddenly, there’s a startled look on your wife’s face. Her eyes quickly look down at her plate and her face immediately contorts into a twisted look of horror and disbelief. She starts to choke and suddenly slides her chair back, her eyes suddenly flashing in disbelief at you as if you’ve poisoned her and she is just realizing that all of these years of trust have been in vein. She starts to choke, stumbling over toward the kitchen sink, gagging and coughing until her airway clears.

“Another egg shell?” you confidently suggest, trying to minimize the incident with an amused air of spousal casualness.

“I’m sorry” she says as she catches her breath, somehow convinced that her shocked and choking response is somehow inappropriate as she discretely reaches into her mouth and picks out the egg shell.

She gasps, “This egg shell is the size of a car fender!” But you know she usually exaggerates because it’s less than an inch wide.

The fact that she apologizes, as she is catching her breath, shows that she feels she is the only woman married to a guy who would cook her eggs and give her coffee in the morning and that she has somehow failed in showing due appreciation for such heroic guy behavior.

Actually, it’s not the eggs, it’s the food which is offered to her which magically beats a path straight to her heart through her stomach. Despite the carelessness I have with missing the egg shells, the fact that I feed her eggs keeps her hooked on me. That’s why the ancient wisdom of the stomach being the direct pathway to a woman’s heart has been intentionally distorted for women’s self-protection.

But this holiday, you can keep your wife in love with you AND not cause her to choke on missed egg shells. Here’s how.

Step One
Set up a dinner place on the edge of the sink with your wife’s house plant fertilizer bottle under the edge of it, just to give the plate a 15 degree angle dipping toward the sink (see photo below.)

Place your 5 inch mixing bowl (for beating the eggs) in the sink beneath the overhanging dinner plate.

Step Two
As you go to break the eggs you are preparing for breakfast, crack each egg against the inside of the sink and then gently separate the egg over the plate, dropping the egg’s yoke and white on the dinner plate. (Here is where the 15 degree angle is helpful: the egg slides toward the sink but not into the mixing bowl below. It just stays on the plate.
(See picture below.)

Step Three
Here is where you carefully examine the plate for any signs of egg shells. In this picture, if you look closely, you can see the egg shell I almost inadvertently missed before tipping the plate upwardly (to 45 degrees) to dump the egg contents into the mixing bowl. (Notice the missed egg shell.)

Carefully following this procedure will almost guarantee that you will not leave egg shells in your breakfast. And let’s face it, guys – even though our wives sometimes engage in less than romantic responses to our offerings of food, we would rather help them avoid the choking behavior if we can. It’s a matter of appropriately using the power of the food-offered-to-women act with the best technique that brings the best results.

It’s the holidays without choking episodes that will be the most memorable in your marriage!

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